FLYING PIGS & WHISKEY WATER 

 

"The time has come," the Walrus said, "To talk of many things: 

Of shoes and ships and sealing wax; of cabbages and kings.

And why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings.

Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass, 1872

 

Many things have happened in our country and the rest of the world since the September 11^th "Black Tuesday" massacres in New York City and Washington DC... the public has learned a new words such as anthrax and jihad; Wall Street stocks are up on antibiotics and prisons; international airports now resemble third world Communist countries; sales of American flags have skyrocketed; patriotism, once considered sentimental, is now at an all time high; Osama bin Laden, who we trained in the art of terrorism, is now the most famous terrorist of them all with his own line of t-shirts; snail mail and email are now appropriately named; gas masks and a three-month supply of Cipro are on people’s Christmas wish lists; prayer has become fashionable (except in public schools).

 

Jihad doesn’t just mean holy war as the press enjoys publicizing. It also means struggle. The internal spiritual struggle of those trying to discipline their character; to gain control of their inner demons. Many Americans are having internal spiritual struggles on a daily basis. To that end, let us take another viewpoint in the war against Afghanistan, Islam and terrorism...

 

Recently the State Department, the Pentagon, and even the President of the united States have asked the public for any and all ideas that could help them stop the threat of terrorism. No matter how ridiculous it sounds, they want to hear it. Well, here’s an idea, and I can assure you, I mention this in all seriousness...

 

As you know security at the airports is now beefed up big time. There are armed patrol on all long distance, cross country flights. Do you realize how expensive that is (no matter, we’ll just tack on the added cost to the passengers)? Could we not find another way of securing our flights that wouldn’t be so expensive and costly in the taking of unnecessary human life? How about this suggestion...

 

One way the United Kingdom fights Islamic terrorist attacks is to bury the criminals with a pig and release that bit of information publicly. You see, Muslims believe that if one is buried with a pig (they regard the animals as filthy beasts) their soul will go to Hell. So?...

 

So, instead of an armed patrolman who perhaps has a wife and children on each flight, we instead place a pig (doesn’t matter the size, piglets will do) somewhere on board and release it through the media that this is now standard procedure on all airlines. Pigs will work for swill, airline security will not. The suicide terrorists will freak out knowing there’s a swine somewhere on their flight and would then either have to abort their sacred mission to please Allah because they wouldn’t want to go to Hell, or send one of their own to find the cursed critter. Can you imagine the scenario?...

 

"Abdul, go find the filthy thing and toss it out before we plunge ourselves into the heart of the infidel’s power."

 

"I will not, Achmed! I will not soil my hands on such a thing! I will not allow my eyes to even witness such a sin. Allah would never allow me to feast upon the 72 vassal virgins I will receive once our mission is over."

 

"Abdul, you swine! Go and find that pig or you will never see Allah or feast upon your virgins."

 

More heated words are exchanged, Abdul and Achmed end up shooting each other, the mission is cancelled, the pilots continue on their flight.

 

Now, let’s take our plane scenario and up the ante...

 

We’ve sent our troops to Afghanistan and the middle East to fight the war on terrorism. Imagine the millions of dollars each day we’re wasting on fuel, bombs, bullets, personal... the list goes on.

 

Muslims don’t just hate pigs, they can’t stand the very sight of them. With that bit of keen knowledge, instead of dropping our boys behind enemy lines, we parachute a swine load of say, oh, half a million or so of the little squealers right into the heart of the Taliban stronghold and watch the fleeing begin.

 

And while we’re at it, let’s not forget to spike the water with a good dose of alcohol. Muslims are strictly against the mind numbing stuff. I know some of the boys at the Jack Daniels processing plant who would happily contribute plane loads of the Southern Comfort to the war effort. Whiskey water? Flying pigs? Allah save us!!! We’d rule Afghanistan in no time.

 

Call your Congressmen and Representatives! Tell them you want to replace bombs and bullets for swine and wine! Capitol Hill, give us our swill... Spike the water and turn the pigs loose!

 

On a much saner note, let’s take a moment from all this tragedy and bleak hopelessness and remember the time of year we are now in with the upcoming holidays before us. Let us remember to count our blessings if we can, because if you really sat down and thought about all you have to be thankful for, you’d lose count.

 

In my neck of the woods at the base of the Sequoia National Park, the deer are plentiful as they graze upon the open fields. Wild turkey roam between neighbor’s yards without a clue as to their ultimate demise if they don’t head for the hills soon. The first rains just fell to make the dusty hills wet and clean. Soon, the brown of Summer will turn into the green of Autumn with the mountains topped white with Winter’s snow.

 

Don’t overdue the turkey and trimmings and be careful with your credit card the day after when the official Christmas shopping begins.

 

Until next month...